Turning Pain into a Purpose

article by Cindy G. Foust

What in the world? Last month I sat in the same chair, looking out the same window at the same sight…snow. Where are we anyway? The end of the world? I told my work colleagues earlier this week that all we have left is the Apocalypse.  And I’ll be dang if we are not up in the middle of a Snowcalypse.

I was feeding my donkey yesterday in the snow, like I’m Anne of Green Gables, and trying to “de-ice” my pet who had icicles hanging from her face. And neck. She got as close as she ever has to becoming an “inside donkey” and I am not even kidding. Wonder if she snores? Right now I am just praying she is in her barn at the other end of the pasture because donkey love is a real thing readers, and she has been there for me through thick and thin.

It’s true, I have confided and cried and laughed and talked to my donkey quite a bit over the years. Oh, I know what you’re thinking, and I know it sounds kind of silly to have a donkey therapist, but honestly, she actually does stand there and look at me with eyes that say what she can’t. 

Yesterday, she actually laid her head on my shoulder and let me use my gloves to warm the icicles up so I could pull them off her face. It’s the least I could do after all I’ve put her through over the years. I want her to be an inside donkey so bad, but Scott’s against it so she will have to continue being my pasture BFF.

Yesterday, however, when I was de-icing her, with her head on my shoulder, I got to thinking about some of the painful times I have shared with a being that can’t even talk back to me. We’ve all had them, right? Painful times I mean.

This past year, in my humble opinion, has brought out the best of times and the worst of times. Many of us have had personal challenges, lost loved ones and continue to battle other hardships that in a word just “hurt.”

What’s worse, is our children have to watch us suffer through, worry through or just try to muddle through the pain. I’ve written quite a bit over the last several months about pushing through it all… gritting your teeth, putting your head down and just fighting through the madness. So many people were ready to rid 2020 good-bye and welcome 2021, but was it really the year?

I mean, did 2020 really even know how to differentiate between a pandemic or someone fighting to save their business? And are we really seeing any relief now that we are moving through 2021 at warp speed where we find ourselves sheltering in place, again, from a weeklong snowstorm? 

  A snowstorm in Louisiana for crying out loud? Life has a strange way sometimes of slowing your roll, and most of the time, it’s when you least expect it. And sometimes these unexpected curve balls can be quite painful…excruciatingly so, and you find yourself having to make decisions or choices that could likely change the trajectory of your life. 

But is it possible to give your pain a purpose? For those of us with children, especially our young and impressionable ones, the fact that they watch every action we take, they listen to every word we speak, and they mimic a lot of the behaviors we have, we have opportunities on the daily to use unfortunate circumstances to prove the power we have during painful times.

Take my good friend Julia Letlow for example…and before I start, this isn’t a political post, this is a personal post. Last month when I wrote about learning to “agree to disagree” with someone, I also made that same statement. It’s not my business who each of you vote for in any election…that’s your right as an American citizen.

But it is my business when someone like Julia makes a decision to take on her late husband’s legacy by running for his political seat. By that I mean, it’s my business to take note of her decision. Why? Because in what has to be one of the darkest hours of her young life, she has made the decision to take her most painful circumstances and give them a purpose.

There has to be a compelling motivation in knowing her children, even though they might be too young to understand her decision now, will someday realize their mother’s decision to use her pain to inspire and help others.

We all have pain, readers, if you claim you don’t then you are very fortunate, but the truth is, pain will touch all of our lives in some way, somehow. We can’t escape it, but we can most certainly get through it. I have been there myself, even though I write very little about the loss of my son, and I can tell you, the decision to use that loss to help other grieving parents did not come swiftly or easily. But it came.

And now, when someone reads my book to their grieving child, it is the highest honor I will ever have as a writer. Julia was forced to make her exceptional decision swiftly, but if I know my friend, it wasn’t made without a lot of prayer, thought and discussion with her closest family and friends.

From that angle readers, with that formula, your pain suddenly takes on a purpose, a purpose that becomes bigger or greater than you. There can be no higher calling and I urge each of you, during similar seasons of your life, to spend time both with your children and in front of your children giving your pain the face of a purpose. Have those discussions…even the hard ones. 

My children and I talk about Samuel all the time, and I desperately want Robert Scott to remember him, as does he. Angel Grace may have come after, but she too hangs on every word we say; every story we tell; every photo we share. She didn’t know him but she knows him… Robert Scott has limited memories, but he knows him. It took some time, friends, but somehow we have managed to shape the face of our pain into this beautiful, lovely, never-ending memory of our baby, that keeps him close to us but also allows our family to share his life to help others. Pain with purpose. 

My wish for each of you in the coming days, months and even rest of this year, is to spend some time thinking about how you can do the same. None of us are above it, it’s a conscious decision we can make and we all have the capacity to do it.

Start today and start with a little grace…for yourself. Allow yourself the time you need to use your circumstances to move someone else. There’s no book to tell you when or how to repurpose your pain, you hold that power. But if you decide to use it in a way that brings purpose to the circumstances that have befallen you, then let me be the first to thank you for your bravery, for your guts, for your example. 

In my humble opinion, you will be surprised by the audience you will get, starting with the most beloved eyes and ears that are already right inside your home, and the reception you will receive for your decision to share your pain will be intoxicating. As we move forward together in our community, let us be bold in our circumstances and brave in our decisions to create paths that offer hope, courage and faith for others to follow. 

Cindy G. Foust is a wife, mom, author and blogger. You can find her blog at the alphabetmom.com for weekly columns about home life,  parenting, small business stories and insight with a smidgen of literacy. Give her a like or follow on Facebook and Instagram.