Meredith’s Musings | A Sacrifice of Self

article by MEREDITH MCKINNIE

I admit it – I’m a people pleaser. Those who know me well are probably saying, “What? Blunt Meredith, who is first to put her foot down and call a spade and its bearer out for the ill intended?” Yes, I am one to speak up, especially for others, but not so much for myself. And if I do, it’s typically because I’ve swallowed and stewed on so much prior to the interaction in question. Perhaps it’s my southern upbringing, my cultivated femininity that I repel in most other aspects of my life. I insist on thank you notes when a text would suffice. Eight months pregnant and barely surviving carpal tunnel, I agonized through almost 100 thank you notes – and detailed narratives, not the store-bought cards with the word “thank you” emblazoned across the front. I told myself that this is what one does, especially when someone took the time to purchase a gift for my new baby. I routinely go out of my way to make others comfortable. Most don’t respond, or smile and say thank you. What I have noticed is the genuine appreciation of outsiders, and by outsiders, I mean people with whom I’m acquainted that didn’t grow up in the South. They are routinely shocked at the lengths I will go to accommodate others, especially in the workplace. Perhaps it is the inevitable imposter-syndrome so common in academic spaces. Anyway, it got me thinking about how we give, what we give, and what we sacrifice in the process.

My reflex gift to others is time, not necessarily in their company, but time dedicated to filling someone else’s needs. Sometimes I spend an hour researching a treatment for a friend’s skin condition, or I peruse houses with the exact specifications of someone who casually mentioned wanting to move. If someone is pregnant, I hound them to create a baby registry and make sure it’s secretly distributed to all available contributors. I find fulfillment in the service of others. I routinely go beyond what is asked of me at work, which only ensures I’m asked to contribute even more. I rarely take a day off and feel guilty if I do. And while the goal of serving others is worthwhile, I’m noticing the daily indulgences that fall by the wayside in the absence of endless time. The other day Wilder, my six-year-old, approached with a picture she’d drawn. Without glancing up from the computer – on some goose chase for a beneficiary blissfully unaware – I urged her to come back later. When I noticed the drawing on the table, it featured me leaning into a computer screen and Wilder playing alone on the floor. That picture symbolized her impression of time spent with her mother, a mother focused on someone else. I wonder if the truth is that I’d rather be lost in someone else’s pursuit rather than playing with my children, as toddler toys and all that such time implies ranks low on my want-to-do list. What worries me most is how I will devote so much of my time to people who don’t necessarily warrant it as opposed to those who genuinely need/deserve my attention.

When I attend funerals – I know a dramatic pivot there – I often hear how the deceased woman was “selfless,” as if such a thing is a badge of honor. As a logophile, I think about that term often, especially when it is so often directed toward women. The “selfless” description is often met with sighs and smiles and professions of gratitude, but it zaps me every time I hear it. I wonder if said woman spent her whole life in the service of others without gratifying her own needs and wants. I wonder why we put female sacrifice on such a pedestal, insisting we all fall in line for the appearance of stability. Is selflessness worth striving for? I’m not suggesting we abandon the service of others, but perhaps we should routinely check in with ourselves – our whys, wants, and needs. When I pause and take a few hours or an entire day for myself, I never regret it. In fact, I crave more of it and instinctually hop right back on the hamster wheel as if I’ll fall into the abyss of selfishness, never to be seen or appreciated again. I don’t believe I’m in any danger of being labeled selfless, but I am leaning more into the idea of “self-too.”