Meredith’s Musings

It’s important to take a well-deserved break from the fast pace of life and immerse yourself in the things that matter most.

article by MEREDITH MCKINNIE

I’ve been having this daydream for the last few months. Husband, me, the girls are all curled up on the couch, a big bowl of husband’s homemade popcorn on his lap. All the lights are dimmed, and the television lights up with the opening scene of Harry Potter and The Sorcerer’s Stone. We started this tradition a few years ago when we introduced our oldest daughter to the Harry Potter series. She has been a devoted fan ever since, lately styling her hair like Hermione. We will cram all the movies into her visits during the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. I love the scene when Hogwarts first comes into view, the magical landscape and promise of adventure. It’s become the highlight of my year, snuggling with my family, taking a well-deserved break from the fast pace of it all.

I’ve always been a juggler of sorts. I teach, write, read, mother, write some more, mother some more. And this semester, I added student to that list. It’s exciting to be back in the classroom, learning from people whose work I admire, studying the scholars to eventually become one. But it’s hard, too. It takes a lot of time, a lot of solely-devoted time to studying and writing, away from my family. During the week, I focus on teaching in the mornings and being a mother in the afternoons. I most look forward to the weekends. Mine have been spent back in the office, my quiet space, where I can do a week’s worth of studying and reading over the course of two uninterrupted days. I treat Saturdays and Sundays like work days, only the focus is on my schoolwork. I look forward to that feeling of productivity, of hunkering down for hours at a time and having something to show for it. But I miss my free time. It doesn’t really exist anymore, not where I can relax without the feeling of having to get something done.

This is not the graduate school experience I imagined for myself years ago, but I’m no longer a traditional student. I have people who depend on me to be a wife, a mother, a friend. So much has to be done, and I feel as if there’s so little of me to go around. I’m used to being there for people; I’ve always been the dependable friend, and now the hours aren’t left at the end of the day. I felt guilty at first, but I’ve decided it’s just the way it has to be right now. The people who love me know they may have to miss me for awhile. Husband and the girls come first, and any moments I do have are dedicated to them.

A few weeks ago, I was having one of those long conversations with my professor, explaining the pressure of being a good student while remaining a “good everything else.” I lamented not getting this graduate degree when it was just me, when I wasn’t having to be so many things to so many people. She paused, and said I should focus on what I have to go home to every day, that school can be all-consuming. Having a reason to step away from the work makes the work worthwhile. I hadn’t thought of my life that way in some time. Instead of focusing on all the things I have to do, I must remember all the things I already have. When one’s a perfectionist with schoolwork like I am, it can seem like every assignment must be perfect, every theory clearly articulated. A co-worker looked at me the other day and said, “Meredith, sometimes you don’t have to do it exceptionally well. You just have to get it done.” I needed that reminder, James.

I’m writing this on a Saturday, having just wrapped six hours of intense study. I’m about to turn out the lights in my office and head home to my family. Wilder will run up to me, grab my knees and say, “Mommy, I miss you.” Fable will chuckle when I lean into her face and tickle her little cheeks. Husband will wrap me in his arms and ask if the day was productive. I have all these people rooting for me. And this Christmas I am thankful for an extended break, to focus on a Harry Potter marathon with my family, to grab a drink with friends who are so patient, and to immerse myself in the stuff that matters most.