You Can Navigate the Tough Conversations

article by LAURA W CLARK

Several years ago, a friend and I were about to discuss a political issue. She stopped me and said, “You know what? There’s no way you and I are ever going to agree about this topic, so there’s no point in even discussing it.” She then changed the conversation to upcoming movies we should watch. I could barely listen to her as I was so disheartened about what she truly believed—we were both so entrenched in our opinions that there was no hope for any intellectual exchange, period.
Throughout my studies of transformational leadership, I have learned one significant and reoccurring lesson: people are so deeply rooted in their views that those opinions become part of their identities, and subsequently, they aren’t willing to consider other ideas. When they hear an opposing belief, they immediately began crafting their response instead of simply listening.
We filter our Facebook newsfeeds so that we only see similar viewpoints because our friends’ offensive posts become disheartening. I have been guilty of cultivating my own Facebook bubble. However, being surrounded by like-minded people doesn’t spark any thought-provoking conversations.
How can we talk to those with differing opinions, especially now, during one of the most tumultuous times in our American history? Between systemic racial injustice, and now the pandemic, we are surrounded by heated debates. Somehow, even masks can be a polarizing topic. Recently, a stranger verbally assaulted one of my friends for wearing a mask in a grocery store. This woman incorporated several expletives, and my friend quickly walked away.
We live in a small midwestern town, and the exchange left our small circle of friends, even though we weren’t present for the interaction, disheartened and even a bit nervous.

I am not advocating we engage with those who accost us in grocery stores because, I think that kind of irrational exchange could escalate into violence. But I do think we could—and should—begin talking about the uncomfortable topics with our families and friends, especially with those who don’t look like us and who come from diverse backgrounds.
Christopher Voss, a formal negotiator for the Federal Bureau of Investigation and CEO of the Black Swan Group, which trains companies and individuals to negotiate, wrote the book, “Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depends On It.”  Voss offers these tips for entering a tough conversation:
1 Typically, when we envision the impending conversation, we instinctively picture ourselves getting angry. Because we default to our highest level of preparation, we will exhibit anger during the exchange. But if we mirror what athletes do—imagine ourselves performing well—we will have a much higher chance of a thoughtful conversation. Imagine yourself using a calm voice; an even tone will lower your stress during the discussion.
2 Reframe how you think about the conversation: view it from a place of gratitude. Remind yourself that you are fortunate to have this person in your life.
3You want the other person to experience oxytocin, otherwise known as the brain’s feel-good chemical. Listen to their perspective—without immediately disputing their negative thoughts— and summarize your understanding of their viewpoint. When you summarize their ideas, they feel understood, and you create a bond. When they do not feel heard, they  instinctively raise their voices, and the chance for an effective discussion dissipates.
4 How do we deal with the inevitable anger that arises? Intentionally work to make the other person feel heard. Doing so will positively impact your brain, making you and the other person feel calm.
5 Avoid common communication pitfalls. When you launch into a lengthy explanation of your viewpoint, the other person receives the unintended message that they aren’t smart enough to understand the topic. Instead, after the other person feels heard, ask them, “How do we move forward?” This question prompts the other person to think about the negative consequences of their viewpoints. You are also defending your position without being viewed as combative.
6 End the conversation with a positive thought. The other person will likely leave the conversation thinking about your exchange instead of dismissing it. They may even return to you with a new idea or resolution, which is the ultimate goal. 

Throughout my life, I have found it helpful to enter discussions with an open mind and an understanding that the other person is likely as deeply committed to their ideas as I am to mine. 
Engaging in tough discussions at work is even more tricky, but in 2020, it is absolutely crucial. My friend and colleague, Kandice Guice, a Louisiana attorney and social activist, created an innovative template that outlines pragmatic steps for inquiring about an employer’s plan for addressing racial inequality. Kandice wrote: “It’s okay to ask your company what actionable steps it plans to take to be more inclusive and to embrace diversity at all levels of management. It’s okay to ask whether there are any plans to embrace management diversity through organic growth or outside recruitment.” Follow her on Facebook, and download her template here: https://bit.ly/310mf07. 
None of this is easy. But, we have to listen—really listen—to grow, to use our voices effectively, and to help others do the same.
Laura W. Clark, is the owner of Vivian’s Voice, LLC, a communications consulting company, can be reached at [email protected]